HELP

It should be no surprise to most people to hear that life is a series of highs and lows; hilltops and valleys. I've had alot of each, but never thought it could get as bad as it has. Mostly this blog has been about encouragement, but maybe its time for some more transparency. Humor me please;
everybody hurts.

The valley is low, so cold it could snow but these clouds aren't so puffy and white. inside and out I stumble about can't tell if I'm numb or contrite. Waiting it out, brushing off doubts... somedays just being is a fight.

See I've done alot of things I wouldn't do again, and quite a few things I would love to. So many lies have invaded me that I can't shake them. So many hurtful things have crossed my mind that I cannot defend myself. Today I want to give up. This is so wrong. The problems that caused all this, I shared them with psychologists - they wanted to medicate me and I went along; personally, the drugs didn't help. I told them everything major I had ever done wrong and they said ... well that's not so bad. Now it's gotten really bad; the lies are repeating themselves again and again in my mind and I even hear myself saying them as if they are true, things about hurting people, about evil and ridiculous nonsense that I can't comprehend at all. I've begged for help and I know Jesus hears me. It is like they have been reinforced so much in my head that I can't get them out. The level of how ridiculous the thoughts are makes them easier to dismiss - I know I could never hurt people or anything like that - I know I have no desire or capability of doing such things. But the thoughts are still there. I go to find a job, they occur. Drinking doesn't help (no more of that), praying sometimes helps but as for now I don't understand why these thoughts always come back. Never would I have guessed how much spiritual and mental trouble an average moron like me could go through. God is really allowing me to be tested, and it seems that I'm steadily failing. I haven't had a hug in so long; my friends are all gone, I'm scared to go around people because of all this - scared to hug folks for sure - i feel leprous. Someone in my life has just found out she has cancer. It breaks my heart because I can't do anything - can't even feel right - can't be there for her because I am so wrong inside - so scared about all the IMAGINARY problems, coupled with the real ones in my life that I can't support someone who means alot to me and has brought me nothing but support and love - love she was not obligated to give. How do I do it? How do I get rid of me? God says in the bible that we are to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow him. I'm having trouble with the first part right now, mostly because if I don't get a job and get my life in gear, this mess won't get better. Please pray for my aunt, she is a wonderful woman who is strong, but none of us can stand alone. It's so dark in my life right now and I can't seem to find a light to follow, though I know it must be there. Also if I can't stay around others, how will I overcome this leprous feeling? It's scary, and I can't find anywhere to go to meet people where this stuff doesn't follow me. God, I need some support. But those around me, especially the person spoken of above, need it worse. HELP!!??!!


believe daybreak, and joy, are coming.


feel like I need to say, still - love, give, persevere, be honest, and LIVE!