Painting Again

 

I could spend all my time,

out here

on the cracked earth,

knowing stars still sit

outside but can't see me.

Slats with cracks -

displaying parts of the night sky.

I could sip and lean just so,

in my little shelter,

full of light,

smooth colors flowing in front of me.

11-4-16

Learning and Relearning

Years ago I started this blog and called it "Drift No More." I was feeling bold and confident. It seems that I had some more drifting to do. Lately, I have begun to think that maybe drifting isn't so bad, if I can Drift With Purpose. I am still changing, and choosing how I change has become important.

A night of restless wandering...

the road was unwalked, and i decided to walk it. i passed plastic buildings and neon nothings, and then the air shifted. into another world, feet already tired, something crept up my spine, and i ceased to be comfortable. i could feel the decay around me. the breeze itself seemed tired of this place. houses with no windows, spray painted in words undeserving of attention. i wanted to take a picture of one such house. i did not. was unsure what the camera flash might awaken from behind the scabs that served as walls there. but there was no healing in these buildings; no restoration; no redemption. only decay and rot. under a piece of corrugated box lay something that was probably a person once, alone, hidden from the horrors i walked through. hidden from the place that had become its home. i shuffled on again, hoping not to have been noticed. being noticed in that place, with my camera and my CK jacket, was my biggest fear. there, men often became animals, the types of people that inspired vampire and werewolf lore. didn't want to hang around, so i walked. as the train roared overhead, i stopped, at first admiring the train. wishing i could walk that fast straight out of this place. but what froze my feet still was the void beneath. the blackness between the columns. the voices of countless men who had slept there, under the trains, and the fear that i was being watched. i kept walking.

Stasis

In stasis...
to say stable would be a stretch.
Tires spinning, unmoving.
if I were angry
would I be a wretch?
I've called myself alot of things;
a phoenix in a bottle,
a bird with no wings.
The flavours of my language elude me,
and their metaphors pursue me
like chick under hawk.
I've seen Braveheart,
and I've heard the Bard.
I've watched Napoleon fall
from the comfort of my couch.
To dodge the light fantastic, I'd say...
I've felt God on a cross;
in a ditch, at a loss
for a description of His petri dish,
He who made us...
Who gave us the right to get Him wrong,
I think He listens to every song.
and yes, I think He cries for me,
as I swing my fists, wishing I could see.

Wasting

Wasting and wasted,

watching nothing happen,
disappointed...
not just myself to blame
and then again blame is just a game.
responsibility...
something that's eluded me.
those who trust me and those i trust
out of balance; uncountable.
circles i turn in isolation,
victim of unwritten crimes,
victim, too, of my own mind.
circles i turn, afraid to break the mold.
terrified of all the truths i've never been told,
still, the lies i tell myself unwittingly-
they compound my problem,
digging me deeper,
as the world shovels it on
 and people, an enigma...
all love and hate and hope and fear and compassion
like myself.

Last Chance To Make New Habits This Year

Three days from now we will be counting down to the beginning of a new decade. We will be exactly one year away from 2012, the year that some ancient people ( supposedly ) and tons of modern morons think will bear the end of the world.

I need a good excuse to change some habits, and starting in 2011, I'm going to go all in with the oft ignored tradition of setting resolutions for each new year. Maybe I stopped doing this when I was still shaving my bald upper lip in hopes my beard would grow in faster because, like this silly idea, setting resolutions just didn't work.

This time, I'm getting a running start. I'm old now. 30. So it's time to start giving a real chance to anything that might help me get the ballast down and the sails up on this boat. That means for the next four days I'm going to stay absolutely as busy as possible. Also, I'm considering a fast, for clarity & to remind myself how real the need is to work toward positive change.  ( There's nothing like not eating for awhile to make you take things seriously. )
I'm going to catch up on everything I can, planning my resolutions as I go, so that when the new year rolls in, I'll meet it with a dresser full of clean clothes, an empty sink, a balanced checkbook, and hopefully a little more hope.

I'm going to blog about my resolutions, and about my efforts to transform myself into a more studious, disciplined, energetic, and funnier guy. ( These are all the favorite traits I remember having in better periods of my life, so I know how. )

Life Still Passing; I'm Still Drifting

Still i wonder if there will be a tomorrow.
Despite yesterday and today,
i shake to think of all that we borrow;
the lust and the love and shame and the way
we all depend on tomorrow.