HELP

It should be no surprise to most people to hear that life is a series of highs and lows; hilltops and valleys. I've had alot of each, but never thought it could get as bad as it has. Mostly this blog has been about encouragement, but maybe its time for some more transparency. Humor me please;
everybody hurts.

The valley is low, so cold it could snow but these clouds aren't so puffy and white. inside and out I stumble about can't tell if I'm numb or contrite. Waiting it out, brushing off doubts... somedays just being is a fight.

See I've done alot of things I wouldn't do again, and quite a few things I would love to. So many lies have invaded me that I can't shake them. So many hurtful things have crossed my mind that I cannot defend myself. Today I want to give up. This is so wrong. The problems that caused all this, I shared them with psychologists - they wanted to medicate me and I went along; personally, the drugs didn't help. I told them everything major I had ever done wrong and they said ... well that's not so bad. Now it's gotten really bad; the lies are repeating themselves again and again in my mind and I even hear myself saying them as if they are true, things about hurting people, about evil and ridiculous nonsense that I can't comprehend at all. I've begged for help and I know Jesus hears me. It is like they have been reinforced so much in my head that I can't get them out. The level of how ridiculous the thoughts are makes them easier to dismiss - I know I could never hurt people or anything like that - I know I have no desire or capability of doing such things. But the thoughts are still there. I go to find a job, they occur. Drinking doesn't help (no more of that), praying sometimes helps but as for now I don't understand why these thoughts always come back. Never would I have guessed how much spiritual and mental trouble an average moron like me could go through. God is really allowing me to be tested, and it seems that I'm steadily failing. I haven't had a hug in so long; my friends are all gone, I'm scared to go around people because of all this - scared to hug folks for sure - i feel leprous. Someone in my life has just found out she has cancer. It breaks my heart because I can't do anything - can't even feel right - can't be there for her because I am so wrong inside - so scared about all the IMAGINARY problems, coupled with the real ones in my life that I can't support someone who means alot to me and has brought me nothing but support and love - love she was not obligated to give. How do I do it? How do I get rid of me? God says in the bible that we are to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow him. I'm having trouble with the first part right now, mostly because if I don't get a job and get my life in gear, this mess won't get better. Please pray for my aunt, she is a wonderful woman who is strong, but none of us can stand alone. It's so dark in my life right now and I can't seem to find a light to follow, though I know it must be there. Also if I can't stay around others, how will I overcome this leprous feeling? It's scary, and I can't find anywhere to go to meet people where this stuff doesn't follow me. God, I need some support. But those around me, especially the person spoken of above, need it worse. HELP!!??!!


believe daybreak, and joy, are coming.


feel like I need to say, still - love, give, persevere, be honest, and LIVE!

Hiatus...

this is a bad time for this because people have just started reading this blog, but I'll have to take a leave of absence for a short while; looking for a paying job and getting "ducks" in "rows" and whatnot... thanks for reading and checking out my art. in a few days, maybe the break will leave me time to put some great things together to show the blog community... thanks for everything.

dan

Ok, 90 Days, Now What?

It's been three months since this blog was created. Some progress has been made, alot of cool gadgets discovered ( see the cool slideshow of my art to the right,) and I've only managed a few new contacts, but sorted alot of my thoughts, which is what this is all about. The comments are only a plus. Still, there are two things I would like to ask of whoever sees this blog in the future:

1. How do you find blogs to read that relate to your interests? ( my searching has resulted in a few hits and alot of misses, just random looking )

2. Please, please ( not just here but each and every time you visit a blog that you enjoy ) comment about what it is you enjoy about the blog. Is it the layout? The content? If the author is an artist (hint...) what do you think of their work. I think this blog thing is wonderful, and alot of these people are posting just to see what the world thinks, and to make friends ( not all of us are blessed with the rolicking social life the reader is sure to have.) So tell them!! ( I'll do the same from this day on, on my blogger's honor. )

By the way I've had pizza two times in a week. Got to watch that. Starving artists can't afford $20 meals every day.

BONUS!

this was found on a gas station pump in a small mountain town... (wonder if Jay Leno would use this on his show?)

$3.85 a gallon and now this?!?!

imagine all 8 pumps are going at once... like opening a vault in a cheap sci fi movie, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15, pump!

thanks . love always. persevere. Dan

Solitude

This poem was inspiring to me, a reminder to persevere and find hope and smiles even in the loneliest circumstance... hope it encourages others as even as it did me.

Solitude

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost in the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not heed your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all-
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we all must file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

this poem was found in The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennet; the artwork is my own and for sale...

It seems kind of liberating to me that no one seems to read my blog. In my state, being lost in the world of bloggers is almost a blessing. Myspace is another story. Signing up today, after years of looking down my nose at 'those silly myspace people', it was a poetic justice that nothing worked right. Couldn't customize my background, couldn't even enter in all of my info. Just error messages and nothing. Had I been using a mac, it may have caused the beachball that scares so many people. Maybe this was myspace's version of the spinning beachball of death, or maybe they were just getting me back for all that negative word of mouth advertising. Who knows. It's been a 50 50 ish kind of day, but God's in control, and I most certainly am not, so let's all just be thankful for that. Love, peace, hugs, and many tommorows to the world and all who live in it...

Portraits

Yesterday was a decent day for me. Only decent because I am scared to use the term 'good' about a day. When did it get to that point? No clue. But it would be nice to get back to that phrase my mom gave me about the quality of our days. " I have no bad days. Only good days and better days. " Some better days are undoubtedly in the future as I am beginning to remember how little I am required to do in life. Some say greatness is born in adversity... this may be true, but it depends on what your concept of greatness is. For me, greatness would be simplicity. Humility, peace, love, and stability. Faith and honesty. These are my goals. Found a new talent, one I had never pursued. I am now beginning to practice portrait drawing. Mostly in graphite and some oil pastels, the old trusty of all my mediums. This is exciting. Something new that carries the possibility of making a little cash, something I am not so great at anymore. Somehow depression and low self esteem make it quite hard to make a living. So I trudge along, trying to ignore what I have to ignore, inside and out, and focus on loving others no matter the difficulty of that, and then POW! One of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen gazing lovingly at me through my clearance priced dell flatscreen. What to do ? What ? So I drew her. And there she was, not half as beautiful as the photo, all graphite and pastel, but I did it! And it looked like a person! I got asked to do a sit-in portrait, all in the same day. ( I politely refused - more photo practice is a must ) But who knows, next time maybe...

Since no one's read this i guess i am writing to myself, but hey that's part of what this is about anyway, huh? Two thousand miles in less than a month all for work and not that bad at all. i've seen south florida again and the gulf coast for the first time. Florida is beautiful. One of God's gifts to our blessed country. The coast was nice too. The ocean laps softer there, and the place is still being rebuilt three years after the hurricane. The people were all nice and soft tempered, but you could see that they had been through much. I couldn't speak much to them; not a socialite at all anymore. But there is alot to do there. More work, rebuilding. I'm not into casinos, but there were plenty of bright lights and flashing signs for those who are into that sort of thing. A lot dissapointed in myself because I let my dad down. We never do things anymore. The stress of work made it tough, but even the one night when we could get out together, I was hardly there. So much of my life is a mystery to me, sometimes I wonder if I will ever learn to love again. There is an ache that is so hard to ease in me. So little of what I do seems to have significance in life. That is the old enemy of self pushing me around, and the wheel keeps on turning. The stars come out, and God, I am thankful to be free. For all our complaining (and there are plenty of real things to complain about,) we live in the best country on our planet, and should be thankful for that.